Sometimes the question comes up, “Which is harder:
sudden death or anticipated death?” Would it be better to know your child is dying and
being able to say ‘good-bye’ and live life filled with lots of things you could
do together, or is no preparation in the event of a sudden car accident or
such, easier on the parents.
Many people have been interviewed on this topic and
all have a variety of opinions. There isn’t one better choice. Death will bring
the same shock, whether you knew it was coming or didn’t. What you do need is
the same support from others. You will need more support systems with
anticipatory loss and not as much with sudden death.
In sudden death, you didn’t get to say good-bye.
That is the common complaint. According to death specialist Darcie Sims, “We
never say good-bye.” I found this to be so true and the title of my first book
reflects this idea.
But no matter how you look at it, there is
incredible pain. Regardless of your loss, it is important to get support from
those who had someone die the same way. You will feel a particular bond with
them. Hope is the main goal of Compassionate Friends and that is what they try
to do, give hope, when you feel there is none there. TCF provides the opportunity
to connect with others and eventually you will find joy again.
Different people try different ways of self-help.
One father had massages, exercised, moved around a lot and did a lot of
reflection. One mother felt yoga was very beneficial, as was hiking. She said
she would get a sense of serenity in doing one of these activities. Another
mother made baskets of stuff for bereaved. She thought it would help others and
ended up starting an organization to this goal. She also did a lot of running
and just getting out of the house to clear her mind. Another father said that anything
that gets you out of bed and taking that next step is helpful. He also said he
got great support and information from TCF that allowed him to reach out and
help others as well as himself. Still another mother said golf and getting into
nature, allowed her to do a lot of searching. With that in mind, she met a lot
of fabulous people who helped her and that she also helped.
All these people give a few realistic goals you can
set for yourself: (1) self care- drink a lot of water and breathe; take care of
your body (2) find a safe person to talk to; family doesn’t want to hear it all
the time and (3) find something that brings you joy.
We can grow through grief. Set goals of where you’re
going to be in the future and strive to reach them. Some will tell you it doesn’t
get better, but it really does. You can find joy in doing what makes you happy
and through people coming into your life who truly understand what you are
going through.
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